I'm 49 and feeling menopausal. Apparently it's called peri-menopause, or peripause. What this really means is that on a good day I cry at the John Lewis advert with the boy and the Christmas gift for mum and dad, and on a bad day I want to throttle the gal sat next to me on the train for tweezing her eyebrows in public. I have a child who is sweet and beautiful and smart, and nuttier than a box of rocks. I am single - as in unmarried, unattached and at times feeling just 'un'. I've got near-constant chatter clogging my head, and not in a schizophrenic kinda way. I thought an online journal might be a good place to deposit my middle-aged chatter. Here goes...

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Single women – all sugar and spice, and everything nice

I seem to have caused some upset. Indeed, I did. I upset one gentleman who read my blogpost about the abundance of asinine Guardian Soulmates profiles of deluded middle-age men who seek a dainty dryad to polish their knob, or a young waif with whom to frolic. Well, the gentleman in question posted a comment saying he felt riled by my blogpost, so I promised him that, in the interest of fairness, I would dedicate a blogpost to girlie-twattery.

"The anti-male stance of this blog post really riles me. I think you should do yourself a favour and check out the female profiles too." 

So I did! I set myself a task. Over the past few weeks, I've been trawling the public search on Guardian Soulmates - you can only view a handful of profiles at a time without a subscription - reading countless profiles of hopeful ladies in seductive poses, with silky hair and smiley faces, bright eyes and gleaming teeth, all seeking a companion, someone to father a child, a life partner, a best friend, someone to enhance their already 'fulfilling' life.

Problem is, I failed in my mission to find twattery, or any of "the 6th form poetry, searching for unrealistic partners" to which the gent above refers in his comment. I read approximately 20 profiles and lost the will to live after profile five: not because I don't bat for the gal team, but because, much to my disappointment, all the gal profiles I read say exactly the same things. I figure the girlies have all read the same 'How To' guide on profile writing, and it shows: everyone has a full life; everyone is happy in their own skin; everyone loves travelling; everyone has amazing friends; everyone has been to the Far East; everyone seeks that missing piece to complete an already rich puzzle.

I live life to the full and family and friends are important to me… 
I love living the single life but am ready to find someone to share it with…
Spending time with friends and family is important…
I enjoy spending time with friends and family…
I absolutely adore my life and friends…
Family and friends are the most important thing to me…
I think my friends are amazing people and I love being with them…
I have a close knit group of friends in London who I love to hang out with… 

Get the picture? I am comforted to learn, however, that my sisters are all as comfortable in a pair of Louboutins as they are in jeans and trainers, don't take themselves seriously and love new experiences. 

So, if you were a man seeking your nymph - that intoxicating faerie who will turn your life on its head - you'll struggle to find her on Guardian Soulmates, because where boy wants an eco warrior, girl wants a moonlit stroll on the beach; where boy wants a siren to savour, girl wants a cuddle; where boy wants an adoring plaything, girl wants to cozy up on the sofa with a glass of wine and a DVD. Women seek love, it seems, whereas men want someone who will be enraptured by their poetic affinity, a firecracker who wishes to save the world from the ills of itself and, importantly, lives for art in all its guises.

When Soulmates-surfing the lady profiles, I realised the only thing that differentiates one replica from another is physical appearance, unless, of course, you happen to find this little gem of a profile, which belongs to a stunning 26-year-old woman who is either peddling herself as a sperm receptacle, or has learned by trial that her sexuality trumps all. I want to applaud her chutzpah as much as I want to slap her for perpetuating the objectification of women. But maybe it's a generation thang...

I'm horrendous, but let's not get too angry about that, it only makes me more irresistible… Look, at least write me a love-limerick or something, eh? Don't make it too complicated, though, or I'll get in a mood, and I won't let your peen do a smile inside me.

So, the message is surely this: women are, in the main, happy, self-sufficient and seek an addition to their already rich universe; men wish to be the centre of someone's universe, as long as that someone is exceptional, because mediocrity has no place.

It's no wonder so many of us are still alone.


  1. Hello. I stumbled across your blog a little while ago and read the lot; highly amusing stuff! But I don't think it's an accurate picture... I too am a female user, and haven't seen a single male profile that's anything like the crazy ones you quite rightly take the piss out of. In fact all the ones I see are much like the female ones you describe here, the only real fault to be found in that they're all the bloody same.

    Maybe it's just the older chaps who are mental? (I've been looking at around the 35-years-old mark and younger.) It'd make sense; they've reached a certain age and have had more time to convince themselves they're just too marvellous for the average woman, and THAT'S why they're still single. Younger chaps haven't had to butter themselves up yet; they're still hoping like the rest of us.

  2. Actually, just to add to that, I had a chap get in touch who said my profile was refreshing in that I don't mention shoes. I thought he was joking, but he wasn't. Okay, not quite the same as the fairy-seeking nonsense you've found, but still, there's idiocy to be found amongst the ladies too.

    1. Hiya. Well, as I'm 48 I only really look at 'age-appropriate' men. I think it is more prevalent with hipster men who are possibly marginal artistes, or failed ones, seeking a feel-good factor; in other words, someone young, sublime and artistic.

      I had a look tonight after I read your comment: I still have the usernames of the gents I goofed on in past blogposts coz I had pasted their profiles into a Word document. The feral foreign faerie guy - the mono no aware one - is no longer active (I loved him. His profile was eye-watering). The 'beautifully poised thought' guy is still there, so is the one who WOULD NEVER CONSIDER dating a meat eater or someone who drives a range rover, and this guy - I’m ruled by the hierarchy of my sixth sense in the realm of spiritually - is still there too.

      Have you got any goofy stories about online dating? If so, send them to me via email and I'll publish them in a blogpost. I'm writing one this weekend (I hope), so I can include yours in my update at the weekend.

      Good luck online, and thanks for commenting. Peri

  3. Sadly the Guardian's search facility leaves a lot to be desired, as I can't find these people you mention. Would love to take a look, ah well. I do have a couple of crackers actually... how do I email you?

    1. Aw... you need resolve and a lot of spare time to read the melange of profiles on GSM. But they are there. Promise. I don't think it's fair to 'out them' here, though, coz they are entitled to anonymity.

  4. Aha! I've found the post you promised to write back in March 2012 (and to which I posted a comment earlier today). I'm glad that you posted this, and even gladder that it arguably confirms what I wrote in my comment earlier today.

    My basic point (see reply to your March 2012 post) is that a lot of women on GSM are self-deluded. Your post pretty much sums up all GSM women as being pretty much the same, and pretty much sugar and spice. This we know cannot be true. Men will tell you that, and so will the women who bitch behind each other's back (i.e. all women).

    So, a lot of women are self-deluded as to how normal, nice, easy going and fulfilled they are, and a lot of men are self-deluded as to how artistic and creative they are. Just a sad fact of life.

    I hope your excellent blog (and my humble comments) are a wake-up call for self-deluded internet daters out there.

    But we're not all like that.

    Keep up your wonderful blog.