I'm 49 and feeling menopausal. Apparently it's called peri-menopause, or peripause. What this really means is that on a good day I cry at the John Lewis advert with the boy and the Christmas gift for mum and dad, and on a bad day I want to throttle the gal sat next to me on the train for tweezing her eyebrows in public. I have a child who is sweet and beautiful and smart, and nuttier than a box of rocks. I am single - as in unmarried, unattached and at times feeling just 'un'. I've got near-constant chatter clogging my head, and not in a schizophrenic kinda way. I thought an online journal might be a good place to deposit my middle-aged chatter. Here goes...

Monday, 20 August 2012

There is no God

Death is nothing like it’s portrayed in films. My Babbo wasn’t lying on his back peacefully, surrounded by his loved ones keeping vigil, speaking quietly to one another, caressing his forehead, kissing his palms. Instead, my Babbo was lying on his back anything but peacefully, crying out for the mum who abandoned him many decades earlier, holding me around the head and pulling my face onto his forehead, crying into my hair, begging me for death, vomiting a frothy stream of faeces into a bucket on the side of the bed, soiling himself and apologising for the indignity. Always apologising for the indignity.

Had my Babbo known he’d spend his last breathing days in a state of distress, and anguish, and despair, and agony, and clicking bones, and nappies, and humiliation, he’d have topped himself on first hearing the word ‘terminal’.

There was no bright light at the end of a tunnel for my father, no fluffy clouds, no cherubic faces of those gone before him, welcoming him, no serenity, no bearded man in a kaftan, arms outstretched, calling him home. There was only indignity. And sorrow. And anguish. And agony. And soiled bed linen. And humiliation. And love. There was love. Familial Love. Earthly love. Unconditional love. Accepting. And abundant.

There was no God casting a celestial glow above my suffering father’s deathbed. There was no God, because there is no God.


  1. yes, it's horrible and there's no God, but what does that tell you about how to live now?

  2. I'm not sure it tells me anything about how to live my life now. What it did highlight, however, is that my father was lucky to have my mum, whose unconditional love was limitless, and forgiving, and constant, and respectful, and that, with any luck, when I take my final breath I too will have someone in my life who cares enough for me to caress my head when I need it most.

    Thank you for all your comments to my blog. I've really enjoyed reading them, and have laughed out loud at some of them. Peri

  3. Yes, there is a God. His name is Jesus Christ and He came to the world and suffered pain and rejection so that we could have life. God's love is unconditional and beautiful. God is a triune God, which means that He has three roles: Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. Jesus is the Son, the Son of God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."-John 3:16. He loves you.

  4. Amen & I SECOND THT, My GOD is AWESOME & how dare u say there is NO GOD? The devil IS a LIAR. I LOVE GOD FOR SENDING HIS SON TO DIE FOR OUR SINS. I PRAY THT U OPEN UR EYES & see tht GOD IS sweetie becuz if u are tht BLIND to his LOVE I wld HATE for u to go to hell. I LOVE U GOD IN JESUS NAME.

    1. Your god is awesome, huh? This being the same God who allows a lunatic to walk into a school in America and slay in cold blood 20 innocent children and their teachers. Remind me how exactly is that part of God's great plan?

      Or the approximately 1 million people (most of them children under the age of 5) who die of malaria every year? Is that your god showing us how unconditional his love is? Suffer the little children, huh.

      Say I'm wrong; let's suppose he does exist... this forgiving, loving god of yours isn't going to forgive me and let me into heaven if I struggle to reconcile all the bad things that happen in the world with his purported benevolence? I'm going to hell for asking questions and not accepting at face value what I'm told? Seems a touch hypocritical, doesn't it? Not very loving at all really.

      Still, they don't call it blind faith for nothing... and I hope for your sake that being an insensitive, sanctimonious, passive-aggressive provocateur isn't a sin, because if it is (and I suspect at least of those labels will qualify) you're going to hell.

      Oh, damn, of course you're not... You believe in God, which gives you the ultimate get-out-of-jail-card - behave like an utter shit be cruel or unthinking or unkind with impunity... and it's all okay because you've got God. I wonder how much solace that will be when you're old, vulnerable, frightened and lonely, and nearing your end. It's going to happen to us all, you know. I wonder if you'll keep the faith then, or if the seeds of doubt and fear will start to flourish?

      They will, you know. Good luck with that.

  5. http://peripauseforthought.blogspot.com/2012/12/america-its-not-so-beautiful.html?showComment=1429865702975#c9129311843898628871